Something I feel like not putting a title on

I really don’t want my mom to die. I never did want my mom to die, but since my dad died, I’ve had an intense awareness of how emotionally painful losing my mom would be. But everyone dies, and I’m a reasonably thoughtful son. I don’t want to die and leave her to grieve me, either. So that one is fifty-fifty. My other fear is saying a final goodbye to her, which would be nice, or at least better. At least it sounds like it would be nice, or at least better, but I’m a little concerned she’d say something very serious that would end with “I’ll see you again” instead of “goodbye.” Then I’m scared in my emotional state I’ll blurt something about how that’s not necessarily true, there’s no evidence of an afterlife and if it’s likely that humans would have invented the idea of an afterlife, anyway, to ease their pain of the idea of oblivion don’t we have to assume that’s the more likely scenario? and what if she then died while I was in the middle of rambling or, worse, what if she didn’t until after I had finished? If she takes a long time to die, I might start grieving for her before she’s gone, as people commonly do, and then she might feel like I don’t care and die thinking that. My last moment with my dad was me putting my arm around him and him putting his head on my shoulder and both of us saying we’d see each other the next day, so that turned out pretty well. Except it didn’t. That whole mess is what has gotten me so tangibly fearful about the same thing happening to my mom. So I don’t know what to do. There probably is nothing for me to do. If you’re reading this, mom, sorry, it must be a creepy thing to be reading. Sorry your son ended up a writer. Or maybe that was your fault. Maybe you should tell me you’re sorry I ended up a writer. I guess that one could go either way, too.


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