Book Back Cover, another try, what do you think?

This incorporates as much of the extremely helpful feedback I got from the last time I posted (the post with the three options) as I could, keeping in mind what I thought worked, as well. I wanted to get outside the box and try a wholly different angle, but I’m finding that difficult. Is this better? What’s missing? What is over explained? Please comment and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Trey has expanded from the paper route he always had as a child to running a business of five. The hours offer the seclusion he craves. He has a content life complete with a pretend girlfriend, Angela, the prettiest teller at his bank. He does get caught romantically leering at Angela through the declaration of love he wrote in the condensation of his car window, but could she see him through that? Trey struggles to perceive any social interaction in a typical way.

Sean likes him because Trey thinks about things no one else even notices. Sean can be cruel, but Trey never does what Sean expects. Their friendship grows. Sean introduces Trey to a friend of his, Angela. The woman he imagined has complexities he hadn’t thought of, and Sean’s antics will either draw them all together or drive them all apart. Trey will have to immerse himself in these friendships to maintain them.

With her head tilted back, she blew the smoke up toward the ceiling. The ridges and curves of her throat were perfect. Under the table, I felt her foot on my calf. She had slipped her shoe off and gotten her foot under the leg of my pants. I could feel her toes ruffling then smoothing the hair on my legs. I reached across the table and took hold of her hand. It folded into mine. She really liked to hold hands, but I didn’t mind. I really liked it too. We stared into each other’s eyes. We were the only two people in the whole world.

When I left the bar, Angela wasn’t there because Angela wasn’t there.

(The portion in italics is an excerpt from the book.)


5 thoughts on “Book Back Cover, another try, what do you think?

  1. Much better! I especially like the last line. I would eliminate the last sentence from the first paragraph (its pretty obvious already). Second paragraph should be pared down and leave a little mystery; something like this: When Trey’s buddy Sean introduces him to Angela, Trey finds his wildest fantasies within his grasp. But will Sean’s antics bring the three of them together or drive a wedge between them?
    Then finish with the excerpt.

  2. Thanks for the comments. To me, the line “Trey struggles to perceive any social interaction in a typical way.” works well as a humorous understatement and introduces the next paragraph with what Sean thinks about him. But I sometimes find things are funny that no one else does, which I’m realizing doesn’t bode well for me as a “humorist.” ; )

    I’ll give this another look with all of your comments in mind and maybe post one more version. Thanks again!

  3. Pingback: Excerpt from Chapter 4, Flowers on Concrete | Greg Metcalf

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